Sara

It's time to blog again. After 15 months, I've missed blogging, and today is the day to break the silence.

My title is simple - Sara. My sweet girl, who will be 10 years old in just 3 weeks! About 18 months ago, I shared how much I was concerned about Sara. Concerned about her learning challenges, which seemed to get worse with each passing month. Concerned about her social skills and the odd behaviours that caused her friends to reject her on many occasions. Concerned that maybe she was on the Autism Spectrum Disorder. And desperately wanting answers.

If you remember, Sara was given a full psycho-educational assessment during the summer of 2009, by Dr. Susan Peacock in Edmonton. The information gained was helpful in understanding Sara better. Sara was also diagnosed with Irlen Syndrome, by Susan, and received her coloured glasses a few months later. (The website www.irlen.com explains this syndrome very well.) Shortly after the assessment was completed and Sara finished the process to pick the colours for her Irlen glasses, we experienced another major move. To Kamloops, BC. (November 28, 2009) Wow! It threw all of us for another loop! In the middle of all the fuss, I lost sight of pursuing any sort of autism spectrum diagnosis. We hoped and prayed that the new Irlen glasses would make a significant difference in Sara's ability to learn in school. It did help, but the difference was not significant enough to help her catch up to "grade level." They seem to help with her mood, more than anything, which is a wonderful thing!

Fast forward to this past September (2010), the beginning of a new school year. For the first time in 3 years, we were not planning or experiencing a major move! Yay! I will spare details, but things were worse with Sara's learning curve. I felt we were losing ground everywhere I turned. Sara was having meltdowns on an almost daily basis and her new friends were beginning to grow weary of her odd behaviours. I was at my wits end - nothing was going well.

This year we decided to enroll our kids with HCOS, in Kelowna, having heard of their excellent service to homeschoolers and special needs department. The contact teacher we were assigned with, Louis, has been a wonderful advocate and help to our family. He listened to my concerns, realized we needed an intervention and got the ball rolling with finding some answers. It all happened so fast, we were nearly breathless! After a particularly emotional phone conversation with Louis, on Tuesday, November 2nd, Louis met with others at the school that same day about our situation. He then arranged to drive up and meet our family on Thursday, the 4th. After observing Sara's schoolwork and behaviour, we discussed what to do. The public school testing would leave us on a waiting list, that could take up to 3 years - just to get the process started! OR...we could circumvent that whole thing and get Sara privately assessed in Vancouver. And HCOS would book the appointments AND pay for them! All we had to do was pay for the trip. That was a no brainer! Louis left with encouraging words and a promise to set up the appointments the next day.

The next day was Friday, November 5th. I left the house with the kids early in the morning and we were gone the entire day, coming home at 5 p.m. After I got supper started, I noticed there were phone messages. Louis had been trying to contact me all day with some very exciting news! The specialists in Vancouver that Sara needed to see had a cancellation and could see us much earlier than expected - like Monday, November 8th early!!! Wow! I was overwhelmed. Joshua's boss was very kind and understanding about giving Joshua that Monday off. We packed our bags and the whole family headed to Vancouver on Sunday morning.

On Monday, Sara had 2 appointments. In the morning, she was assessed by a speech and language pathologist from 9 a.m. - 12 p.m. I could tell Sara was quite nervous about everything, not really understanding what was going on or what was expected of her. It was hard to reassure her because I didn't know what would happen in these sessions either! She held herself together quite well, but was more timid and quiet than usual. The speech and language pathologist was very sweet and worked hard to put Sara at ease. I filled out a lot of paperwork while Joshua and Sky hung out at the HUGE Chapters bookstore down the street. Later, the 3 of us ate lunch at a Vietnamese noodle house (we took back a sandwich for Sara). There wasn't much time before the next appointment at 1 p.m., with Carmen. This was the Autism Spectrum assessment. 3 1/2 hours later, we were all fried. The first 2 hours was question after question for Joshua and I. Just about everything you can imagine was covered. It was hard to remember all the way back to the baby and toddler days. I'm a detail person, so I was O.K., but Joshua was about ready to jump out of his skin! The kids had to entertain themselves in the waiting room under the watchful eye of the receptionist. They did pretty good considering the length of time and what we were all going through! Sara exhibited some of her odd behaviours while she was waiting, which was good, because the receptionist then relayed that to Carmen. Then, it was Sara's turn and she spent an hour alone with Carmen, who put her through a series of tasks to assess her behaviour and conversation. Sara was a little trooper and I was proud of her for all her hard work that entire day. We celebrated with a nice supper and then drove home to Kamloops.

Now it was time to wait. We received the speech and language report after just 2 weeks. The results surprised me, although I didn't disagree with anything stated in the report. She scored very low (1%) in just about everything. I guess you just get used to the way your child is. It left me feeling like a bit of a failure and not sure what to do. I still don't understand a lot of it. We do have a friend here who is a speech therapist and he has agreed to meet with us to help us with our questions. Things just got busy over the Christmas season and we've been battling sickness for 2 months now, so the meeting is on hold. Sara will definitely benefit from speech therapy, so that will be part of our near future.

We had to wait much longer for the autism report. It finally came through this past Friday, one day after coming home from our recent vacation to Cancun, Mexico. Carmen e-mailed the report for our review and approval. I read through all 15 pages and was surprised at how little emotion I felt. I think most of my strong emotions were happening before this process began, when I felt like there was no hope. Now, I feel hope. The information in the report and the diagnosis don't actually change anything, but it gives us the springboard to go forward. Sara was diagnosed with mild ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). The diagnostic label for that is PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified) Sounds fancy, eh? Actually, it sounds more vague than anything. But, this diagnosis allows us to apply for government funding, which in turn allows us to pay for the therapies Sara will be able to benefit from (speech therapy, behavioural training, special curriculum for school, etc.).

So, now we have our answer. I feel remarkably calm and peaceful about everything. It doesn't take the challenge of daily life with Sara away, but it helps us understand it. And hopefully this helps others understand her as well. I don't expect pity or to be able to excuse wrong behaviour, but I do hope that others can be more compassionate. Sara is such a sweetie, but she can also make people feel very uncomfortable at times. Knowing that she is different and that we are working on it, will hopefully help others to extend a bit more grace and be able to relax around her. If you are one of my new friends in Kamloops, you will know exactly what I'm talking about. If you have any questions or concerns, please know you can approach me at any time. It might feel awkward or embarrassing, but don't let that get in the way. You can explain this to your own children in whatever way you think they can understand. Let them know that if they are ever made to feel uncomfortable around Sara, that they can talk to you or even me about it. Our family wants to know what we need to work on! Thank you to everyone who has prayed and supported and listened through this journey. It's far from over, really, in some ways it's just beginning. We would really appreciate your continued prayers!

Rainy Day Activities

We've had cool and rainy days since Monday. It's tempting to watch too much T.V. or play too many computer games when the weather gets like this. I keep saying to the kids, "Turn off the T.V.!!" But, then I have to get off the computer! So, I've had to be intentional about finding alternative things to do! Here a few of our rainy day activities so far:

• Colouring, drawing and painting
• Setting up play tents in the basement and playing "camping" most of the day on Monday.
  
• Making paper airplanes with the babysitter while Mommy went for a massage on Tuesday!
• A Tuesday afternoon trip to the Telus World of Science, where we even got to see a demonstration called, "Fire and Fury." Very cool fire "magic"!
• O.K., I'll admit it - lots of Treehouse, movies and Facebook...
• Playing card games and laughing together Wednesday afternoon! The kids are getting to the age where they are actually fun to play games with!
• Going out for a pizza supper with Grandma, Grandpa and Auntie Shannon last night.
• Making homemade play dough today and sampling pretend cookies and pies all morning. (See pictures below.)
  

I think we've done a pretty good job of entertaining ourselves, don't you think?! What do you do when the rain keeps coming down?

Yesterday's Outcome

Yesterday was exhausting, hopeful, stressful, and encouraging all rolled into one big ball of emotions. I'll try to be brief.

The doctor:
- I didn't like the unattractive, poorly lit office. Bad vibes right from the start.
- The doctor was rude to Sky right off the bat. She (the doctor) asked Sara what grade she was in. Before Sara could answer, Sky blurted, "Grade 2!" She looked at him, with no smile or teasing in her voice at all, and said, "Are you Sara?"
- I was informed on the phone that this appointment was strictly for meeting the doctor and gathering family history. I kind of hoped that we could address the autism issue a little, but after telling myself that probably wouldn't happen, I left my list of concerns and symptoms at home.
- I was forced to explain all of Sara's "faults" while she sat right next to me. My heart was breaking and I was stumbling all over my words, trying to say things with as many big words or vague terms so that Sara would be spared as much as possible.
- The doctor was obviously not a big fan of homeschooling. I didn't like the tone of her questions, especially the ones about socialization.
- I left with a requisition for a urine test at the lab (Sara still has daytime bladder control problems quite frequently) and the referral to a neurodevelopmental clinic.
-I also left wanting to cry, but I found the courage to paste on a smile and stay upbeat for Sara's sake. Poor kid. She didn't say much, but I can only imagine how she was feeling. I know I felt like an idiot.
- The referral is the one good thing I got out of the visit. I have to fill out a couple of forms, return it to the doctor, who will then send it to the neurodevelopmental clinic. She said the clinic would probably not give me booking until we had the results from Sara's academic assessment back. I'm getting Shelley's help with the form (my friend who worked with autistic kids).

Interview with Susan Peacock:

- Completely different atmosphere - my nerves were soothed immediately.
- When Susan came out to call us into her office, she looked straight into Sara's eyes and kindly said, "And you must be Sara!" That was not lost on me.
- Her first question was, "Have you explained to Sara what we're doing?" Her concern for Sara as a little person was very evident.
- The conversation with Susan was easy, relaxed and full of hope. She wanted to know the struggles, but she also wanted to know Sara's strengths.
- She wrote everything down which showed me that she cared and that she was going to be thorough. She never made us feel stupid for anything we shared. If it was important to Joshua or I, she made it important to her too.
- Susan affirmed us as parents and as Sara's teachers. She said something very early on in our conversation that I will never forget. She said, "Because you are homeschooling Sara, you are already 99% ahead of all the other (schooling) options out there." I think Joshua and I both really needed to hear that from an "expert." I was so encouraged with how pro-homeschooling she was.
- She assured us that at the end of this assessment, we would have answers and would be equipped with tons of ideas and suggestions to help Sara as we continue to homeschool. She was incredibly positive and we so needed that as a family.
- Sara's first one-on-one session with Susan is next week on Tuesday, at 10 a.m. She's going to try 2 hours to begin with, and see if Sara can handle that much. If not, she said we can cut the sessions back to 1 1/2 hours or even down to 1 hour if we need to. Our total number of hours with Susan will come to about 11 hours, so we'll just get there at the pace that's right for Sara.
- Sara seemed comfortable enough with Susan. A little shy, but that's to be expected! Joshua and I laughed on the way home, because by the end of the hour with Susan, Sara was exhibiting some very ADHD symptoms! Being cooped up in an office for an entire hour with nothing much to do, except listen to adults talk, will do that to you! I talked to Sara at bedtime. She said she liked Susan. I told her that if she felt nervous about anything or had questions that she could talk to me about it anytime.
- The beauty of this assessment, as Susan explained, is that it really doesn't "matter" what or how Sara does with the activities and testing. She doesn't have to get everything right or meet certain goals. Susan just needs to find out how Sara learns and where the glitches are. Then, Susan shared that there are really two ways to deal with those glitches. You can either find a way to detour around a learning problem and get at it another way, or once you know what the difficulty is, you will know how to fix it altogether in some cases. She said there is rarely something that comes up that you would just throw your hands up and say, "Oh my, there's nothing we can do about this - we're just going to have to live with it!"
- Today, I'm so excited to start! Last night, the stress of the day, got the better of all of us. Sara had a meltdown at suppertime. In the midst of trying to resolve that, Joshua and I ended up at each other's throat's (I know this NEVER happens at your house!), so the rest of the evening was rather tense. I woke up feeling terrible. I finally let the tears come - the kind that almost make you throw up... After venting to my dear friend, Karen, on the phone, I feel much better! Thanks Karen, for listening!

I want to thank each one of you, again, for the incredible prayer partners and support you have been to me (us). For those of you on Facebook, who have sent me long messages, thank you! I will reply to each one of you, but it's going to take me awhile to get to all of them. I have been so encouraged and I feel very loved by each one of you who have taken the time to read my epic posts and even care about them!

Happy News!

Yesterday morning I called the lady who was recommended to us for Sara's academic assessment. Her name is Susan Peacock, so I will refer to her as Susan, rather than "the lady" from now on! I had learned of Susan last Monday, but fear held me back from calling her right away. I was afraid I would get my hopes up, and then she would tell me that she was all booked up for the summer or that Sara was too young... Then, Joshua asked me a few days ago if I'd called her yet. I said no, but I would. I tried to find Susan in the phonebook and there were too many choices. So, I e-mailed my friend who recommended Susan and asked for her number. She e-mailed back right away. I called Susan yesterday morning and left a message, not really expecting to hear back very soon. I was actually surprised when I answered the phone right after lunch and Susan identified herself as the caller! I knew as soon as we started talking that she was going to be the perfect fit for our family! I felt very comfortable talking to her and she immediately put some of my fears to rest. She didn't tell me I was overly concerned and should "wait it out" some more. She didn't tell me Sara was too young. She did tell me she had appointments available next week! It was all I could do to keep from squealing with excitement! Then, when I got off the phone I cried tears of joy! After working things out with Joshua's schedule at work, we settled on Monday at 4 p.m. We will all go together as a family. It really couldn't come much sooner than that! I also have the appointment with the family doctor at 1:40 p.m. that afternoon, so it will be a busy day for us. This initial time with Susan is just for Joshua and I to tell her as much about Sara as possible. Then, there will be three or four, 2 hour sessions where Susan will work one on one with Sara. Susan said she keeps it as casual and fun as possible. Just from talking on the phone I think Sara will really like Susan. I even asked how she would recommend that I present this whole thing to Sara. She said to put it all on myself, telling Sara that I need to learn how to teach her the best way. She said to let Sara know that she (Susan) will help us so that school will be much easier from now on. When I told Sara about meeting Susan, she seemed a bit nervous, but she agreed with me that she would like school to be easier. Every day is a struggle around here. So many times, when I tell Sara it's time to read or do Math, I see the panic and fear in her eyes. She never tells me she's afraid - she just acts out by stalling (I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, I have to pee...) or arguing or crying or just outright saying, "No." Then, I have to discipline for the bad attitude, but I think sometimes Sara starts to associate school "performance" with getting disciplined. I try to tell her that I'm not mad at her because she makes mistakes or because something is hard. I just need her to learn that a bad attitude is not acceptable. Some days I can do and say all of that very patiently, but as you can imagine, some days we are just both screaming and crying together. "Oh, Lord, please let Susan be the one to help take away much of this heartache."

I want to thank all of you, my dear friends, for your outpouring of love, prayers and support during this time. I have been so blessed by all the words of love and encouragement. I have always found writing to be very therapeutic for me. It helps me to organize and clarify my thoughts. It's one of the easiest ways for me to express myself. I may share more detail than you are sometimes interested in, but it sure helps me to write it all out! Thanks for reading and listening.

Explaining the ache in my heart - the weight on my shoulders...

This post comes with a warning. I am going to be very real and honest about some things going on in my life. If you want a barrel of sunshine, go read someone else's post today...

My heart has been overwhelmed lately with some things concerning our little princess...Sara. I've hesitated to share anything because I don't officially "know" anything yet. So, as you read, please know that I am not trying to be overly dramatic or state anything as "fact."

I've shared before that Sara has had her struggles with school since she started Grade 1. Basically, those struggles seem to have worsened, especially in the area of Math. We had our end-of-the-year visit with our facilitator last Monday (June 8) and it proved to be a very difficult time. Our facilitator informed us that Sara is a full year behind, and maybe more in certain subjects. That was a surprise to me. And an even bigger and more upsetting surprise to Joshua. We knew things didn't come easily to her, but not that she would be considered that behind. Sara should be starting Grade 3 in the fall, but has really only completed Grade 1 material. Now, here's where I know people have many differing opinions. Joshua and I happen to be of two very different opinions. We're talking through a lot of things and researching a lot of things right now. I know that many of you who are reading this will want to say to me that, "It doesn't matter where Sara is academically - after all, isn't that the beauty of homeshooling?" Or, "Who cares is she's behind? My child is behind too. Sara will eventually catch up. Don't panic." Those things that I just said, are basically MY opinion of everything. I said basically, because there are some more things I will get to later in this post. The issue is, Joshua is of an entirely different mind set. Academic success is very important to him. He will move mountains to "fix" this "problem" with Sara. It is NOT O.K. with him that Sara is not at grade level. While I know that many of you will not agree with this or will even frown upon such ideas, I am the one who has to live in harmony with my husband. I have to listen to his opinions and concerns and do my best to accommodate those things. I still have to honour him and the way he "ticks." I do respect my husband and I'm confident the Lord will show us how to agree together. In the meantime, I am not asking for advice. Just prayer and support, as we work through all of this. This all weighs very heavily on me. It is not fun to be on a different page than your spouse - ever - but, this is a big one. When we chose to homeschool, we took the full weight of responsibility in regards to our children's education. It is a BIG responsibility at any time, but when there are extra challenges, it seems so very heavy. Some people may think or say, "What, are you crazy?! If it's so hard, why don't you send her to school? Why do you do this to yourself?" I am fully committed to homeschooling my children and it would take a very special set of circumstances to make me change my mind. I firmly believe in homeschooling for our children and I will do anything within my power to continue to do so. I will explain what that will look like for this next year at the end of this post.

The other biggie that has come up lately is something that may surprise many of you. Again, I am not asking for advice. This is an even harder one to explain...but, we are in the process of figuring out whether or not Sara is somewhere on the autism spectrum. Yes, I'm serious and no, I'm not crazy! I've been letting people tell me for about 4-5 years now that I'm too paranoid or overly concerned, etc. It was always deny, deny, deny. Push down the feelings, and try to pretend that everything was normal. Well, I'm totally done with that. Can you sense the emotions as I'm typing? I never knew what could possibly be different about Sara, but I knew in my gut that I wasn't crazy. As you all know, this recent move to St. Albert has been very difficult for me. I did NOT want to move here. But, I'm beginning to see why the Lord has us here now. He has placed several wonderful, Christian, homeschooling moms into my life who have given me soooo much insight about Sara. I won't mention names due to the sensitive nature to their own situations. One mom, whose daughter has become our new favourite babysitter, has a son who they believe to be somwhere on the autism spectrum. Because we live 5 minutes from each other and her daughter babysits for us often, we've gotten to know each other quite a bit. I gradually began to share some of my struggles with her. As she observed and spent time with our family, she told me that Sara reminded her so much of her son when he was younger. I have gleaned a lot of wisdom from her, asking her so many questions about behaviours, schooling, etc. As our relationship progressed, she encouraged me to Google "autism spectrum" in my search to find help for Sara. I will never forget the day I began to read the articles I found on-line. It was the first time I felt like something made sense. The puzzle pieces of Sara's life finally seemed to fit together and so many things became easier for Joshua and I to understand. Because I don't know anything officially, I hesitate to share specific things. This whole autism thing is somewhat tied to the academic learning struggles, but is more a separate issue. If you look at a list of autism spectrum symptoms, Sara fits a lot of the social issues to some degree or another. If I were to be specific, it may just be confusing to those who aren't familiar with autism. I have also talked extensively with a friend I have known for years who worked with and diagnosed autistic kids for 10 years. She is home now with her own children, but autistic children are still very close to her heart. She has been able to give me specific advice to the province of Alberta and the process we need to go through for a diagnosis. She has confirmed that, although Sara is very high functioning, there are some definite red flags and she has encouraged us to pursue some answers. So, the first step is to get in with a family doctor and explain our situation. We have an appointment with a doctor (which was an answer to prayer just for that) on Monday, June 22. Hopefully, she will give me the referral to a pediatrician I'm looking for. The pediatrician is the one who would make the diagnosis and then refer us to any specialists we might need.

As far as Sara's learning disabilities and struggles, we are planning to have her assessed this summer. Another homeshcool friend/mom has recommended a lady to us, who was very helpful to their family in the assessment of their son recently. I am currently trying to get into contact with her. We hope to get some answers with this lady by the end of the summer. With that information, we plan to homeschool Sara for at least one more year. After that, we will re-evaluate. While I do not believe my child needs to be the next Math whiz or super reader, there is obviously something that she is not "getting." This is why were are taking steps to have Sara assessed and evaluated. I don't think that she needs to be "fixed." I love her the way she is. But, I do think that I need to be more equipped and informed as I am teaching her everyday. I need to know how to help her learn more effectively. We need to reduce frustrations and stress levels around here. Sara needs to have more confidence and less fear as she learns. I want to do everything possible to make those things happen in our home.

Right now, we are just playing the waiting game. It's so hard to wait when you want answers right away. I guess my thoughts and emotions get the better of me some days. Trying to teach and mother and love a child with learning disabilities and autism all wrapped up into one, is so very hard some days. It just really sucks some days. I am exhausted some days. That's where I am right now. My friend who worked with the autistic kids told me that parents of "spectrum kids" go through a grieving process that has many different stages. I'm kind of dealing with the initial yucky stages of everything right now. It is hard for me to talk about all of this, and yet, a relief at the same time. I tried to make as much sense as possible, but forgive me if I just rambled around. I will keep you posted as we walk this journey.
"For you formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise you You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well."
Psalm 139:13,14

HELP!!!

And this was at 6 o'clock this evening! Joshua and I went to a marriage session thing at church, called "Leading From Your Strengths." It was good, but....the laundry room still looks like this! Tomorrow will be busy!

Names In The Sand

I wanted to share something very special with all of you. First a story, and then a gift that I received this weekend.

In addition to our two beautiful children, Sara and Sky, some of you may not know that we have two babies in heaven with Jesus. After Joshua and I had been married for only 2 months, we were overjoyed to find out that I was pregnant with our first child! Our joy turned to great sadness and heartache, when our little one was miscarried during my 10th week of pregnancy. (March 2000) We were never able to see or hold this tiny baby, but we named "him," Jeremiah. Just a few months later, I was pregnant with Sara and obviously, she was born safely and happily in our arms 9 months later! When Sara was almost a year, I became pregnant again. At the time, we were packing to move to Canada, and Sara was learning to walk! I hardly had time to think about this next baby inside of me. We moved and were just trying to get settled when I began spotting and cramping. I was in my 11th week. Our second little angel went to be with Jesus a few days later, right around Easter of 2002. Because of the life upheaval we were already experiencing at the time, I found that I never had the time to grieve this child. We named "him" Michael and went on with life. It wasn't until many months later, that God walked me through a true grieving process for this second child we had lost. It has now been 9 and 7 years since God took our babies to be with Him. I am now able to share and talk about my miscarriages without a flood of tears. The Lord has allowed me to minister to many friends through the years when they've gone through similar heartache and pain. I am grateful for that. Someday, I will meet my babies in heaven, along with three siblings who were also born too soon. For now, I rejoice in the gift of the daughter and son that I have the privilege of holding in my arms!

A few months ago, I found a blog that has really touched my heart. It's called "To Write Their Names In The Sand... A Moment Captured, A Life Honoured" This beautiful woman, Carly, lives halfway around the world in Australia. She is so full of love and compassion, and her blog is an amazing ministry to those who have lost babies and children. Below, is the gift she gave to me.

It was incredibly emotional for me to see my babies names written in the sand in such a beautiful way. I really can't even find the words... I will treasure these pictures forever.

I want you to see the post on Carly's blog, so please click here to go there. It is a beautiful, peaceful place. It brings tears to my eyes every time, but they are tears of healing. If you have ever lost a child, Carly will also write your child's/children's names in the sand. If you scroll all the way to the bottom of the blog, you will find her e-mail address and instructions. Thank you, Carly, for what you did for me and what you have done for so many families. You are a wonderful, beautiful person!

Mom's Have Feelings Too

This morning was one of those times I realized how very vulnerable I am as a mom. I've never been good at pretending to feel one way, when I actually feel another way. I suppose that's a good thing to some extent, but there are times when it just isn't wise to let it all hang out... I'm not one of those moms who always says the right thing or who can always portray the appropriate attitude. I was the one literally screaming when Sara put a small pebble up her nose last year! There was no, "Okay honey, it's going to be O.K. We'll take care of everything, sweetheart, don't you worry." No, it was complete panic and wailing and mayhem in our house!! I was scared and yelling, Joshua was mad and yelling, Sky was hiding and poor Sara was completely traumatized! You get the idea! (BTW, the pebble came out on it's own while she was waiting for the doctor to come in!) O.K., so that was a MAJOR rabbit trail! The story I set out to tell, started last night...

Joshua took the kids to ski racing lessons last night after a hurried supper. I usually, spend that evening doing something for me, like reading a book or blogging or Facebook, etc. But, because of a book I've been reading lately, I decided to forget about me and do something that would benefit the whole family. (Another rabbit trail that I'll save for later.) Things have been quite unorganized and disjointed with school and household chores. To put it bluntly, I've been lazy. Haven't cared about much of anything besides my own feelings of pity and depression. I finally got fed up with myself last night. I cleaned off and organized the school room table (should've taken before and after pics - it was dramatic!), put together a unit project folder for Sara (printing things off, cutting out things), threw tons of paper items in the recycling bin, cleaned up the kitchen, and made up a new morning/school routine. When everyone got home, I gave both kids a shower, got them to bed, cleaned up a few more things, and folded two loads of laundry before crashing into bed at midnight. I was tired, but I was ready for a new day! And I was pretty excited too!

In the morning, as soon as Sara got up, I cuddled with her and explained that things were going to be different. I told her that the T.V. was not going to get turned on, that Mommy was not going to spend half the morning on the computer, and that school was going to start much earlier. I also told both kids that I now expect them to get dressed, and make their beds, and put away jammies before they even come out of their rooms. (I will be doing the same thing - jammies have been my new favourite outfit lately!) She took it well, and happily went up to get dressed and fulfill the other chores. We had breakfast and I was ready to start school at 9 a.m.! But, Sky slept in, so he got up right about then and I had to start over with the schedule explanation and breakfast. O.K., so now it's 9:30 a.m. and we were ready to go. I pulled out Sara's new project folder and we got started. To make a long story a little shorter, after a few little power struggles, things started to go downhill fast. Sky was bored and whiney and wanted to do a magnet experiment. (Granted, I DID promise that we could, but that was one thing I didn't get to last night...) Sara didn't like what we were doing and kept telling me "no" about everything. I was having trouble explaining what a coal mine was, and we ended up in a complete meltdown. I called Daddy, mad as anything and asked him to talk to Sara. Then, I got on the phone and started listing my woes. I was absolutely bawling by the time I was done. Poor Joshua! I said we'd just wasted an entire hour with fighting and whining. He said, it's just an hour, so try again. I didn't see it that way. Why was I so upset? Well, I got my feelings hurt! I had gone to all that effort to make a fresh start and have a great day, and all my kids could do was throw it back in my face. After I got off the phone, I had tears streaming down my face. The kids were looking at me with big eyes. I said, "Do you know that Moms get disappointed about things?" "No," they replied. "And did you know that you can hurt Mommy's feelings?" Again, "No." So, I explained to them how I wanted everything to be all nice and fun. I told them that it really hurt my feelings when all they could do was whine and complain all morning. They just looked at me, but I think they got the point. There wasn't much complaining after that and I think we even managed to have some fun by the end of it all. I even succeeded in explaining a coal mine. I typed "coal mine" into Google search images and got some great pictures! What did Moms do before the days of Google?

So, it was an emotional morning, but I'd have to say it was a good day overall. My biggest challenge in life is being consistent. I know that if I can stick with this new schedule, the kids will get used to it. Actually, it's more me that needs to get used to it! I really like reading blogs and checking Facebook while the kids eat breakfast in front of the T.V. every morning. But, that half hour that I say I need, can turn into 2 hours very quickly. Then we don't have time for every subject we need to cover in school, and the consistency thing comes to haunt me again. Sara desperately needs consistency in order to retain anything. I haven't been the greatest at that for her, but I want that to change. I never want my laziness to be the reason she can't learn to her fullest potential.

One of my favourite quotes is from Anne of Green Gables, "Tomorrow is fresh - with no mistakes in it." I'll take it one day at a time....

Happy Birthday, Sky!

My little boy turned 5 on Friday! It was such a busy day that I didn't have time to put together his birthday post. And now, such a busy week that I've been working on this for awhile! Here a few pictures of the last 5 years of Sky's life. I've had a hard time finding pictures of Sky by himself! It seems that all the really good ones are of Sky and Sara. I guess that's the life of the second child!

Sky was born at home, in our bathtub, and it was very much on purpose! He loves to hear me tell the story about how he was my "water baby!"

He got chicken pox when he was only 8 months old!

Already showing his goofy side at age 2! Almost 3 years old

4 years old and 2nd year of skiing!

And here he is, 5 years old already, enjoying some chocolate birthday cake!

I think the thing I love most about Sky is his sense of humour! He loves to tease and tell jokes and do silly things and generally make people laugh. He will do almost anything to get people to laugh at him. Last year, around Christmastime, I bought a bag of fresh cranberries. For a "fancy" dinner one night, I floated a few cranberries in each person's juice glass. Sky ate every single cranberry in his juice (about 5) just because we were all freaking out and laughing at him! If you've never tasted a fresh cranberry, just know that they are SOUR!! He's had such a good vocabulary from a very young age. Once he hears a word, he remembers it. He amazes me everyday with the words he knows. Just last week, he used the word "compost" in the correct context! And even when he's not even trying to be funny, he cracks me up. Just today, Sara was running around the house, screaming for no apparent reason. (She was especially challenging today...) I told her to leave me alone, so she went downstairs to bug Sky. He came up and informed me that Sara was screaming her head off. I replied, "I know." His eyes suddenly brightened up and he said, "I know! I'll take her for a walk around the house until she calms down. That will make her stop!" Too funny! He makes me laugh inspite of myself so many times.

Sky's favourite colours are orange and black, his favourite food is macaroni and cheese and favourite drink is Sprite. (He does eat his veggies - I promise!) He loves Batman, Spiderman, dinosaurs, dragons and anything "scary." He's very good at entertaining himself and is always dreaming up some new "game" or invention. He reminds me a lot of my brother, Scott. I know he's going to be very good at sports. He started walking at 9 months and then taught himself to go up and down stairs by 10 months! He was riding a real bike with training wheels at 2 years old, and before he turned 4, the training wheels were OFF! He started skiing when he was 3 and gets mad because he can't ski like Daddy. In the springtime, we're probably going to put him in baseball, because he can hit a baseball like nobody's business! He is a very smart, witty, and talented kid. I know that will come with it's challenges. Pride will rear it's ugly head. Frustration at less than perfection has already been a problem at times. I pray that Sky will always give God the glory for the accomplishments that he makes. I pray that I will have the wisdom to guide him.

I love you so much, little boy! You are a special joy in all of our lives. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for always knowing when I need a hug or a helping hand. God has given you a sensitive heart and I pray that it will stay that way forever.

When I Grow Up...

O.K., O.K., I know I've been awful about posting lately! It does mean I've spent less time on the computer, which is always a goal for me... I posted the other day, but alas, I lost the whole thing when I went to change the font! I was so not happy! I will try to recreate what I wrote...

Recently, one of my dearest bloggy friends, Nadine, posted about how quickly our children grow up and spread their wings and fly away from us. It was a sweet reminder to cherish those little moments while we can. I must say, that is not my natural tendency. Usually, I'm waiting impatiently for them to grow up. The night before I read Nadine's post, I was reminded of the sweetness of childhood while I was putting Sara to bed. I promised Nadine I would blog about it!

We had had a difficult evening. I was being a selfish Mommy and Sara was just being a little girl. She was playing with her toy mixer and dishes while I was mixing up some meatloaf. I got frustrated with the water she was spilling everywhere and the room she was taking up, and over-reacted. I banned her from the kitchen and I could see the hurt in her eyes. She cried and cried and I knew I'd hurt her spirit. Why do I do that? It took me until the next day to apologize. Even before I'd apologized, I know that she had forgiven me already. That night she snuggled with me while we read our bedtime story. When I tucked her in bed, I kissed her, and stood to leave. She reached her arms out to me and wanted an extra hug.

She squeezed me tightly and said, "You're my little, favourite Mommy!" (My kids always call me their little mommy!)

I said, "Well, that's good, cause you're my favourite little girl."

She continued, "And I'm going to come visit you lots when I grow up!" Then she added, "With my husband!"

I laughed, "O.K., good night!"

It warmed my heart, but also reminded me that someday she will grow up...and move away...and get a husband...and I won't be the one kissing her before she goes to bed each night. She won't always be around to "help" me cook and bake and make messes. Someday I'm going to miss that. And I want to enjoy it while I can.

Hurry Up - We're Late!!

A few days ago, my friend, Mindy, blogged about her thoughts on being late. To read what she had to say, click here. I responded with a very long comment. Here were some of my own thoughts.

"Interesting you would post this! I was just late yesterday to a birthday party, and it caused me great stress along the way. (Be sure to scroll down to the next post to see pictures of a very fun and unique party!) I do agree with your statement. I was raised in a family that was also right on time or a little bit early. It's definitely easier to hold to that conviction when you have only yourself to worry about. After I got married, things got slightly more complicated, but we were still on time. Then, we had kids! As a mom, being on time is definitely a challenge! It seems that no matter how organized and efficient I am, something always comes up. You wouldn't believe how many times I've gotten everyone in the car, and then have to come back in because the baby just pooped in their diaper or spit up all over the car seat and themselves. Or when you're potty training and suddenly, they have to go potty "right now," but they don't quite make it and we have to go change... Anyway, you get the idea. Yesterday for the party, we were on schedule and all was well. We had rushed to get to that point, but we were O.K. On the way, I was going to stop at Wendy's and grab burgers for everyone to eat in the car. Well, wouldn't you know, the drive-thru was closed and the line inside was incredibly long! We got back in the car, having wasted 5 minutes. Down the road a bit, I stopped at Dairy Queen. Would you believe, there was a truck sitting in front of the ordering console, with all their doors open and the hood up! What?! Now, if this had been just me, I would have simply gone to the party. But, my young children were very hungry by now. So, I raced to the other side of the parking lot to Starbucks. I picked up banana bread slices for everyone and smoothies. Finally, we were headed to the party. (There is a reason for this story - stay with me!) As we were driving, poor Sky picked up his smoothie, by the lid, spilling it all over his Peter Pan costume and his car seat. I freaked and started yelling. Sky was crying, Sara then started screaming. We got to the house and I roughly cleaned up my child, scolding him the whole time. Once I finally calmed down, I noticed he wasn't having any fun at the party. His little face was so crest-fallen. All because Mommy got extremely stressed out about being 10 minutes late and took it out on him. I apologized, with hugs and kisses and the rest of the party went great. I've done that so many times with my kids. Being on time shows definitely shows respect for other people, but being angry with my family because something out of my control made me late, is not acceptable. So, I learned a few lessons yesterday... And your post was a good reminder to keep trying each time to be as organized and on time as possible."

What about you? How do you feel about being late? What lessons have you learned in this area of your life?

Meet Ruthie Toothie

This is Ruthie Toothie. She has been in the family since I was a little girl. My grandma made me a Ruthie Toothie when I started to lose my teeth. Every time I lost a tooth, she gently held each one of my teeth as they waited under my pillow for the tooth fairy to come. I'm sure I still have that Ruthie Toothie somewhere in a memory box... I made a new one for Sara when she was still quite small. Last night, Ruthie Toothie had the honour of holding Sara's most recent lost tooth - tooth #6! After I put Sara to bed last night, she called me to say her loose tooth was hurting and bothering her. I knew it was hanging on by a thread. I told her that maybe it would feel better if we cleaned it. :-) So, she started brushing and the tooth started to bleed. I said, "Honey, that tooth really needs to come out tonight." She started to panic a little. Then, I took over the brushing and after a few strokes over the tooth, it jumped right out of her mouth! She was so happy! We found Ruthie Toothie and tucked the tooth inside. I almost had her convinced to put it under her pillow, but she didn't quite have the courage. You see, even though we've told Sara that the tooth fairy is only pretend, I don't think she fully believes us! With the exception of the first tooth, she has never wanted her tooth under her pillow. She really doesn't like the idea of the tooth fairy coming into her room in the middle of the night! So, she left Ruthie Toothie on the bathroom counter. Of course, the tooth fairy found it! :-) Sara was so excited to find 2 loonies (2 one dollar coins) inside Ruthie Toothie this morning! Here she is, showing you the new hole in her mouth (the one on the left)!
For more lost teeth adventures, read Welcome to My Life! and Cute Kid Sayings and The Tooth Fairy! How does your family celebrate a lost tooth?

Picture Update!

I'm back! And very much alive! Life has happened for our family at an incredible rate this month! In the last two and a half weeks, I have experienced Mother's Day, tons of planting and yard work, a visit from my family, and a plane trip to Michigan for a girls' reunion and visit with more family! Wow! All of these things were a huge blessing in my life! Here are a few pictures to give you a small peek into all the wonderful happenings. I would never have the time to adequately share in words everything that has taken place. I think these pictures will help. I'll put the explanations below each one.

I had a wonderful, happy Mother's Day with my two precious children! It ended with a delicious meal at a local Greek restaurant! Opa!

We are so excited to finally have a tree in our front yard! It's so nice to look out the window and see green leaves! Thanks to my sweetheart for all the hard work! Joshua also planted two more trees in the backyard and numerous perennials. I had fun putting in a rainbow of colourful annuals in different containers throughout the yard. It was picture perfect by the time my family arrived!

This is my dad enjoying a carousel ride with Sara and Sky at Heritage Park. Those happy smiles say it all!

And here are Sara and Sky with their 4 aunties! In order from left to right, Hannah (7), Sky (4), Heather (15), Sara (7), Holly (10), and Heidi (13). This was on the train ride at Heritage Park. I finally got to treat my family to my favourite place in Calgary! It was a long, but fun day of exploration!

My family, being from Texas, had never been to an IKEA before! Half of the things in my house are from IKEA, so I HAD to take them there! It was another fun day, in spite of wind and rain! They especially enjoyed the Swedish meatballs and $1 frozen yogurt cones!

Last Friday, I flew (by myself!), to Michigan for a very special reunion. For those of you who are just getting to know me, I travelled with Life Action Ministries (based in Niles, MI), from 1995-2000. This was a girlfriend's reunion for those of us who travelled together in this ministry. A very special bond of the heart was formed between those of us who shared so much together. It was absolutely wonderful to hug on all these "girls" again, and catch up on each other, and see pictures of husbands and kids, and laugh and cry over memories we will always share. This picture and the next are the girlfriends who were in my bridal party 8 1/2 years ago! It was really neat that we were all able to make it to the reunion! From left to right, you see Jan, Jennifer, Meghan, Karen and Pegs. (That's my former nickname!) Oh, and I also got to hug and spend time with another blogging buddy, Judith. But...I never got a picture with her. :-(

It was so good to laugh together again!

After the reunion, I was able to spend a day a half with my brother, Scott, his beautiful wife, Andrea, and my two cute nephews, Luke (2) and Caleb (7 months)! They are with Life Action Ministries and Scott heads up the computer department at the headquarters in Niles, MI. Last year, they majorly renovated an old, fixer-upper home in Niles. They did an amazing job and the house is beautiful! The guest room was just like a bed and breakfast - Andrea thought of everything! I felt very pampered and loved!

I found the boys like this after breakfast on Monday morning. Luke got ahold of the blood pressure monitor and was taking Caleb's blood pressure! It was so cute! But, then Daddy found out and we had to put the machine away! :-)

These are my two buddies, all snug and ready for bed! It was very special to spend this time with them and get to know them better. And I was able to take 2 BIG suitcases full of Sky's outgrown clothes for them to use. It was like Christmas for Scott and Andrea!

I want to say a HUGE thank you to Joshua for watching the kids for me while I was away. He was pretty much Super Dad and I couldn't have asked him to do a better job! He took the kids to piano/music lessons, washed all the sheets and towels that my family left behind, gave baths when needed, kept the house clean, fed them decent food, and even took them swimming! All with no prompting! My parents and sisters helped watch Sara and Sky on Friday, while Joshua was at work and I was flying to Michigan. My family left on Saturday morning, and Joshua and the kids were on their own for the weekend. Then Joshua's parents drove down on Sunday evening so they could do the childcare while Joshua worked on Monday and Tuesday. It takes a village.... Thanks to everyone who helped out!

My heart is full. I am so thankful for these special moments that God gave to me this month. "Thank you Lord, for my beautiful family near and far, for my girlfriends and all their love and support, for springtime and new life! You have given me so much and I just want to praise You!"

Happy Birthday, Sara!

Sara turned 7 years old yesterday! I'm going to borrow something from my friend, Judith, and write a little birthday tribute. Judith does this for each person in her family on their birthdays and I've enjoyed reading them over the past year.

Sara came into this world on February 24, 2001, at 2:34 in the morning after 23 hours of labour! She was born at home, on the floor beside our bed. (On purpose!) The gentle, loving hands of Brenda, our midwife, helped her into this world and into my tired arms. (Joshua was holding me!) Sara's eyes were open wide as soon as her head popped out! We didn't even hear her cry for several hours - she was too busy looking around! Seven years later, Sara is still a very observant little girl. She loves to watch people. She loves to be with people too. But, when she's with a group of people, you won't always find Sara right in the middle. Often, you'll find her off to the side, watching and soaking it all in. It might look like she's not interested or involved, but she doesn't miss a thing! When she gets home from Sunday School or music lessons, she will role play the whole scenario over again! If I want to find out what she learned, I just have to listen in on her play time later!

Here are some of Sara's favourites....

Colours - Pinks, Purples and Red

Fruit - strawberries, raspberries, kiwi, and mango

Activities - playing with friends, playing outside, singing, role-playing/dress-up, riding her scooter, skiing, ice skating

School Subject - Math

Style - anything that sparkles and glitters - the flashier, the better!

Kid's shows on T.V. - Berenstein Bears, Franklin and Timothy Goes to School

Dessert - apple pie, ice cream and anything chocolate!

If asked to come up with an acrostic for her name, this is what I would say...

Sweet and Sassy

Active

Ready (to try new things and go new places)

Adorable

From the minute Sara was born, she turned my ideas about motherhood upside down! Being Sara's mom has been a full of challenges, but I wouldn't trade my little princess for any other little girl in the world! Sara is everything that I am not....and yet, she is very much the same as me. She is teaching me so much through her life. Things that will take a lifetime to learn. Sara is a free spirit and a dreamer. She declares to the world, every day, that it's O.K. to be yourself. No matter how much of a damper I can be sometimes, she has something in her that refuses to be quenched. When she grows up, Sara wants to drive a pink Jeep! And I know that someday, she will, because she's just that kind of girl! I call her my princess-tomboy. That's really the best description yet!

I thought you might enjoy seeing some pictures of Sara from the younger years! I'm going to try to include one from each year of her life.

1 year old - first summer in Canada.

2 years old - on vacation in B.C.

3 years old - after Sky was born, she had to learn to fend for herself!

4 years old - "reading" bedtime stories to Sky!

5 years old - creating a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

6 years old - singing and dancing and just being Sara!

I love you little girl! With everything in me. I pray God will give me the wisdom to teach you and train you in the way that you should go. And may I learn how to be your friend - not just your mother. Thank you for 7 years of love, adventure, and smiles!

Something To Ponder

Today I found myself doing a lot of pushing and prodding, fussing and fretting, and looking at the clock a lot. Then I read this poem and it made me feel sad. It also made me rethink my ways and ask God for grace to change. I wanted to share this with all the moms who read my blog.

If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

I'd build self esteem first, and the house later.

I'd finger paint more and point fingers less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less and know to care more.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.

I would be firm less often and affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power,

and more about the power of love.